I'VE BEEN INCEPTED

I had a disturbing dream last night.

I was sitting at a table with two strangers, discussing the plot of a movie. I can't remember its name but I do know that things were getting pretty heated as the two people sitting with me tried to convince me of the film's deeper meanings as I, dizzy, attempted to appear enthusiastic and interested in the discussion.

No, wait. That wasn't a dream. I know it wasn't, because I had my totem with me. It's a stun gun, and when I jam it up my toosh and press the button, one of two things happen. If I I jump three feet in the air and howl with pain, I know I'm dreaming. If I wake up in my bed in an intense state of arousal, I'm probably awake.

Damn.  I shouldn't have said 'probably'. Now we're back to square one. 

Why do people fall into the trap of thinking that there are hidden meanings and little treasures encoded into films like Inception? They did it with The Matrix, they did it with Star Wars and of course we all remember the ghost in the background in that scene from Three Men & A Baby (don't try to act all cool by feigning ignorance). People, get with the program: Christopher Nolan is laughing at us. He didn't re-invent the wheel here; anyone see the final episode of Dallas? For my early-20s readers, many apologies- you can probably order it on Netflix. Laugh if you must, but I don't think it's hyperbolic to say that the finale of Dallas will tell you everything you need to know about Inception. It also explains why Larry Hagman played the lead in the film. They're getting really good with makeup these days- I was wondering why Leo looked so jowly.

There is no deeper meaning to Inception. Heck, even Christopher Nolan doesn't know what the hell is going on here. Nor does he need to. In this era,  'cool' trumps anything else. If you don't believe me, just ask all the chumps who stood in line for the Iphone 4. In that example, cool even trumped having a phone that friggin' works. They're actually making a movie about a guy ( Larry Hagman has signed on to play the role) who buys a cool new Apple phone that takes him to another dimension from which he can't return because the phone crashes. It's called Reception.


The title is also strange to me. The definition of 'inception' in my trusty online dictionary reads: 'the act of graduating or earning a university degree, usually a master's or doctor's degree, especially at Cambridge University.'

....huh? Can't be right. I must be dreaming. Where's my totem? Shit. Victoria's not here. She's my other totem. Here's how it works. When I'm about to drop down into the very exciting, dangerous third level, I always have her present. When I need to know if I'm dreaming or not, I simply find a chair and sit down right next to her. I then proceed to rise. If she stays silent, I know I'm still dreaming. If she asks me to get her something from the kitchen, I know I'm wide awake and irritated all at the same time.

But back to our friendly writer/director and his choice of title for the film. There might be more to this after all. I just did some research and bingo. The man actually went to University College (fishy name, for starters) in London. Clearly resentful of not ever having gone to Cambridge University all those years ago. Furious, in fact.

So furious that the entire film is a f--- you to Cambridge's most famous graduate, Sir Isaac Newton.

Remember Newton's  First Law of Motion?

"Every body will persist in its state of REST (creepy).... unless it is compelled to change that state by forces impressed on it."

In the words of Homer, wow. How petty is this guy Nolan. Can't even obey the laws of gravity and simple physics. Has to disrespect someone just because they went to a better university, while trying to sell us on a completely false definition of a word. 

But for the sake of all you fans of the film, let's go along with the idea that 'inception' refers to the act of implanting an idea in dream state in order for it to take hold in reality upon waking. Here's some real world evidence of inception. I have even discovered the actual phrases that were suggested to these people in their dream life:

Lindsay Lohan:  I mustn't drink and drive. I must drink before I leave the party.
Barack Obama:  I can work with Republicans.
Le Bron James:  South beach, roller blades, hairless, latin men in thongs.
Tom Cruise:  I'm straight.
Tom Cruise:  Katie's smirk is not annoying.
Tom Cruise:  I'm five feet ten.
Tom Cruise:  I'm straight.

Just a few to tease you with. There are countless examples. Feel free to leave comments with your own if you've managed to decipher them. It's time to pull the rug back.

Victoria just asked me to get her more coffee, and I haven't even gotten up yet.

This is getting ridiculous. 

Pictures, from top:

Larry Hagman as JR, in Dallas, and brilliant as Leonardo DiCaprio in Inception.
Isaac Newton:  Dissed.