THE DEFINITIVE POLITICALLY INCORRECT WORLD CUP BRACKET

No messing about. Let's get to your winners and losers in this year's World Cup, brought to you by myself and my local soccer expert, Victoria. Don't mind her mood- her beloved Austrians just missed out on qualification for the tournament, which is kind of like saying BP's deep drilling in the Gulf almost went off without a hitch.

THE POOLS

Group A

The South Africans almost beat Mexico in game 1. The problem is, due to the low value of a goal in soccer (1 point in case you usually watch entertaining sports), everybody almost wins. I don't see the home team getting through to Round 2 which is fantastic because those horns the home fans blow are a disgrace. I haven't heard so much useless noise since Lindsay Lohan said she'd stop drinking. Although I resent Uruguay as a nation because its name is difficult to pronounce, I see them getting through with the Frogs.

Group B

Greece has been doing it tough lately. The team had to hitchhike to the tournament. That's a long way. Whoever happens to be on the bench during a game has to sell hot dogs. Very embarrassing. But due to the adversity the Greeks are facing, I see them making it to Round 2, along with the Argentinians, who continue to try to stop Diego Maradona from eating those Greek hot dogs. It's not working.

Group C

I don't know exactly who or where Algeria is. North Africa? I believe so. Wasn't an Algerian woman mentioned in a Michael Jackson ballad? Yes, I suspect so. Which is why they're getting into the second round. Joining them will be the poorly educated, unwashed English team. England may be a third world, second rate nation now but they still can play a bit. As for the Americans, playing soccer for these leaden-footed but very patriotic fellows is kind of like having universal healthcare. Nice idea, ain't gonna happen.

Group D

Tough group, with only one clear standout: the majestic Australian team, nicknamed the Socceroos. This team has it all: tight bums, sexy accents and rampant alcoholism. They also almost win a ton. They're going through to Round 2.  Joining them will be the Krauts, who I have going down to the beer guzzlers in the first game. But Germany will bounce back. The energy they save from avoiding all kinds of humour, spontaneity and laughter will serve them well.

GROUP E

Aaah.. and we come to the group featuring the eventual winners of the whole shebang. No, not Japan, who I'm sure are a charming bunch of chaps- they'd better be, since their football stinks like a five day old spicy tuna roll. I'm talking about the NetherRegions, also called Holland, whose people we call Dutch. About as confounding as their footballing skills, which will leave the rest of the group in a daze. The lovely Cameroonians will join them in Round 2.

GROUP F

I am sick of these greasy Italians winning all the time. Maybe they should play less soccer and have more sex to kick start their population. In the meantime, they're getting through, along with... the Paraguayans. Paraguay is also known to South Americans as Corazon de America- the Heart of America, due to its location on the continent. I think it's between Kentucky and Ohio. Missing out, much to my glee, will be the extremely untalented,  strangely accented, sheep-deflowering Kiwi team. Their football team is one of the great comedy acts in the world today. You can catch them performing at the Mandalay Bay in a double act with Andrew Dice Clay next month.

GROUP G

This is the easiest. The players from North Korea are a little rusty, having just been released from a work camp where they've spent the last eight months after the team's captain was caught on tape making fun of Kim Jong Il's pyjamas. You can't question their desire, though- if they get to Round 2 they've been promised a brand new 1983 Datsun to share between the entire squad.  Cassette player included. Alas, they play about as well as the New Zealanders so forget it. The hated Brazilians, with their beautiful, talented players who get my girlfriend all hot and steamy are through, as are the Portugese, allowing the North Koreans to return to their cells.

GROUP H

I know how Australia can win this thing- make the Arizona Immigration Bill the template for qualification. No team who speaks Spanish can come. That will knock out the two best teams in this group- Spain and Chile. Oh, wait. And Honduras. So that just leaves the dull Swiss. I cut myself on one of their useless, overly-complicated knives when I was a kid. Who the hell needs tweezers in the wilderness, anyway? Screw it. They're out. Spain and Chile are through.

Okay, I'll make the rest quick. Greece's dream run ends in the their Semi Final against the Dutch. But many hot dogs sold in the meantime, allowing them to jump a cargo ship back to the motherland. Argentina shocks the men in the red checkered table cloths. The Nether Parts defeat Argentina in a fantastic final during which Victoria has to wake me four times.

The following day, the Free Pot and Prostitution Act of 2010 is written in celebration by the Dutch Prime Minister.

It passes both houses unanimously.

Eliot Spitzer jumps on a plane.

The US team are given a parade. Just because.

We all get on with our lives.

Picture:  Don't get ahead of yourself, Nelson.