MY CHILDISH WAYS

Ladies and germs, I've been keeping a big, dark secret from you these past few weeks.

I abandoned my PC in favour of a Mac.

And I'm not worthy. I'll admit it. Victoria is furious, and justifiably so. She is someone with the knowledge, savvy and patience to actually take advantage of the technology on offer inside that elegant little machine that sits obediently in my lap as I write this essay today. I, on the other hand, am a talentless buffoon when it comes to computers.

Damn it. The 'return' key won't work when I use my pinky! How dumb is that ?!?

Did I just write that out loud? Apologies. But there, in that one inane statement, if you read between the lines (or line), lie the problematic psychological underpinnings of my battle with computers- all computers, everywhere. I'm not picky, folks. If there's a computer out there that thinks it has the stuff to make me happy, I'm prepared to try it. Guaranteed I'll be ready to take to it with a director's chair within half an hour. I don't discriminate in my tech-rage. My incompetence will not be defeated.

Yet my overwhelming lack of talent is not really the issue here. I have to be honest with myself, never an easy thing for my pathetically fragile ego.

The big obstacle to overcome is my infantile lack of patience and my desperate, salivating need to make it the machine's fault.

This spiritual transformation that must occur in order to prevent annihilation at the hands of my girlfiend (the frigging 'r' button doesn't work properly) or my firebombing of the nearest Apple store (Glendale Galleria- easy access, multiple exits) will be challenging. Probably impossible. But I must try.

The first step in this painful growth process will be to open my mind to new, shocking ideas. Could it be true that the folks who design these machines actually know what they're doing? Does that mean that, by extension, the cause of any given problem may stem from me??

Highly doubtful.  People, you're reading an essay written by a man who used to set up his VCR to tape his favourite TV shows when he wasn't even home. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Apple.

Wait. I just used the word 'tape'. Way to undo all my good work. Just lucky for me you people don't know what's on those gorgeous VHS cannisters clogging up three quarters of my storage space. Alright, I'll tell you. 34 episodes of The Greatest American Hero and 4 seasons of Family Ties - The Early Years. What? Yes, I know that's not the name of the show. I used to have all 8 seasons and I liked to differentiate between them. The last 4 seasons were called Family Ties - The Kids Are Starting To Look Super Fug Years. They were swept away in a flood.

There I go again, in complete denial, trying to convince myself that I know best. Yes, I was close to genius level with that VCR but I have to accept that I'm living in different times. For god's sake, my girlfriend can track the orbit of the planets and the age of a star with her phone. Is that really necessary? My thinking is, if on the off chance Victoria finds herself in a space suit, way out in deep space, cut off from Sigourney Weaver and the rest of her crew, just kinda floatin along (this post was ghost-written by Sarah Palin), will the Star Walk app really help that much? I'd be more inclined to play World Championship Table Tennis. Now there's an app I'd want to asphyxiate to.

There's no way around it- I must move with the times. I used to rail at my father for not having a cell phone, but I'm not that different. I sit here, blaming this inanimate piece of electrical circuitry for not anticipating my every thought and whim while steadfastly refusing to actually educate myself. This behaviour has to stop. What will I do when Victoria isn't around to save me? Unless I change my ways, I'll continue to do what I've always done: sob until my brain hurts and then binge-eat while watching reruns of Judge Judy. Granted, I'm now a small claims court legal juggernaut, but my computer skills and home life are a mess.


It's time to grow up. Victoria's going to be astonished. One more flaw I can cross off the list. Pretty soon she's not going to be able to complain about anything.

I'm getting ahead of myself. She tells me I've started to snore. Screw the Star Walk. People of Apple, create an app that solves snoring and I'm sold.