24 Part II

It's still raining, which means my scene will be shot today! Still excited. Of course. This is the reason I came to Los Angeles.

Should I improvise, a la Dustin Hoffmann's character in Tootsie, when he gets his chance? Maybe when Jack puts a gun to the back of my head and demands an answer, I should turn on him, force the gun loose, knock him out and take over his mission. Same name, though. Just like James Bond and Doctor Who, Jack Bauer would remain, only with a different face and flaming hair.

Why not, right?

Maybe I'll cut Kiefer a break this time. He's worked hard and drunk harder to get where he is today and he does a fine job in the lead. I'm a believer that there's enough to go round for everyone.

Ok, time to shower and get moving. I need to shake off my anger and despair over the supreme court's latest ruling but more on that later.

24

The morning of my fitting for 24. I'm a little nervous, alot excited. I woke this morning with the thought, Life Is An Adventure.

Once again, it's all about how we view a given experience. I could easily decide to get anxious about this and worry about being 'good', or proving myself. Fuck that. I was watching that terrible third installment of the awful recent Star Wars saga and I heard Yoda say, 'you must be prepared to let go of what you are most afraid to lose.'

Great advice. Essential, in fact.

So today I'm going to get fitted for a blackwater-ish computer guy. They were very specific about the boots I'm going to be wearing. I find that fascinating, seeing as I'm sitting at a desk the entire time. Not true, actually. I do get knocked out by Mr.Sutherland at the end of the scene. Maybe there's an extreme close-up of my shoes as I hit the deck.

Stand by for the post-shoot entry. And keep this blog to yourself.

CLEANSING RAIN

Ah... one of the few positives of living in a state of cloudless sunshine all year round is that when it does rain, it seems so exotic.

I'm sitting in my living room listening to the pouring rain battling its way through the trees. On days like this one can sleep forever. I'm one of the lucky ones, however. I have a girlfriend who decided to get up early and leave me with coffee and a perfectly repaired kitchen, left dirty last night after our Golden Globes soiree.

Moments like the one I experienced when I stumbled into the kitchen to discover my loved one's work leave me feeling like I've made it. Hit the jackpot. Lucky.

Awards shows always seem to be benchmarks for me on where I'm at with issues of success and where I'm at with being in Los Angeles, pursuing my career in this crazy business. The phrase that came up for me last night was 'making it'.

Most people come to LA with a paradigm around making it. Hitting the jackpot. What does that term represent for most people? I'd guess fame and fortune. Certainly that was true for me and I didn't even know it. I was driven by an egoic need for large-scale approval and adulation that was guaranteed to cause me suffering. I lived my life out here judging every single moment as either bringing me closer to 'making it' or taking me further away. In that state, people become commodities, objects that have a 'how much can this person help me?' rating. That is a phenomenon one sees constantly out here.

After a period of despair, I woke up one morning and asked myself how I'd feel if my goal was attained- infinite riches, unlimited movie offers pouring in, ten Oscar awards sitting on my mantlepiece. The answer that came was: you'd be happy for a little while, and then you'd feel exactly the same as you do now. That response that came from deep within shocked me but I knew it was true. None of those things, given to me in an instant, would change who I was, and who I was up until that point was someone who looked outside himself for gratifying objects.

Were these objects the reason I started to be creative at a young age? Were they why I so enjoyed being on film sets and acting as a child? Of course not. Somewhere along the way I'd gone a different route, one that seemed to cause more fear and suffering than joy and fulfillment.

That moment was a turning point. Since then I've sought to live a life built on firmer foundations, a way of living that is sustainable and can produce fulfillment and joy on a day-to-day basis.
Let me tell you what making it is for me now. Coffee made and a clean kitchen for one. Loving my girlfriend and family and friends. Embracing all the aspects of creating every day. Being grateful for the fruits that drop from the tree, whatever shape they may take. Understanding that whatever comes to us is a byproduct of how we live our lives.

That's 'making it'. Would I be thrilled to be at the Golden Globes, downing red wine with Meryl and George? Of course! My ambition and desire for commercial success have not dimmed. But at no point am I going to be deluded into thinking a seat at a table means I've 'made it'.

The rain's still falling. Drink it up, LA, and sunshine be damned.

Sunday Morning

Yep- I said I would do a daily blog. That was three days ago. Way to follow through.

So here we are in Los Angeles on the day of the Golden Globes. Victoria and I are having some people over to watch them. I want to talk today about 'making it'. Two words, when put together, that make me recoil as if I've just taken in the aromas of a turkish wrestler's jockstrap.

So what is it to 'make it'? Well, I'm well-equipped to answer that question. I was one of the legions of actors that have made the journey to LA to make it. In the ensuing two-and-a-bit years that I've been here my idea of what that means has changed. The original conception caused me much suffering; the current (and I believe permanent) incarnation is healthy and brings me joy.

I came to LA to get fame and fortune. Bottom line. Yes, I loved to act, but if simply acting was enough I could have stayed in New York where I was acting all the time. No, Los Angeles to me meant Oscars and a villa in the hills. I jettisoned relationships that i had fostered over several years to be here. All for this idea of 'making it'.

A good friend of ours who is also an actress once said to me that everything changed for her when she realized a large part of the reason for her being an actress was 'getting picked'. Doing the actual part was fine but was not the central reason for her being at an audition. I fear that for most people who are slaves at the altar of making it, getting picked is at the core of their desire to 'succeed'.

Doing something solely for others' acceptance and approval causes suffering. This has been the gift of Los Angeles up until this point for me. I came here with a faulty paradigm- to be one of the 'chosen' people, the 'lucky' people. I felt completely on the outside looking in, something that was fortified by all the media we take in, the billboards, movies, TV shows and life on the street which repeats what we were taught in school: that you have to get ahead, get to the top, be and have more than your neighbour in order to feel good about yourself.

Things have changed in my world. At some point, reeling from despair, I decided to imagine how I might feel if I had 'made it'. I'm now winning awards, doing movie after movie, surrounded by friends and well-wishers, living in a mansion in the hills.

I knew at that point that I'd still be the same guy. With the same view of the world. All of the things I'd been chasing would lose their novelty value- and I'd be back to square one. Chasing fulfillment in things outside of myself.

I realized that this way of thinking and being wasn't functional. Forget happiness- this was simply a matter of feeling fulfilled, of feeling meaning in my life.

So I dropped it. Let that massive burden of 'making it' fall off my shoulders. My ambition did not wither as I feared it would. My desire to act and to be a creative person didn't shrink; it actually increased. My creative mind was able to fly, freed from this single-minded egoic goal.
If I did indeed find commercial success as an actor, it would come as a by-product of living fully every day, from joy and love for all the aspects of my life, not just the parts that seemed to bring me closer to an imagined nirvana.

Making it is cleaning the kitchen before you go to bed. Taking the time to wrap your arms around the person you love and feeling their heart. Staying home to work on an audition until it's beautiful so that you feel great about the experience regardless of whether or not you get the part. Enjoying great relationships with all kinds of people because it feels good, not because they might be able to help you get ahead.

So, tonight, with my partner who I love and several lovely friends, I will sit down and enjoy the first of many silly awards shows, events that I'd love to be a part of, involving people I will ruthlessly lampoon and who I look forward to working with. Because this is all a big dance, not to be taken too seriously, and anytime any of us want to get on the floor, all we have to do is stand up and start moving to the beat.

WHERE IS IT ALL GOING?

I showed up today with nothing to write about. Zilch. Zippo. Nada. But... I need to write something, as I've promised myself I will write a daily blog for the forseeable future.
Okay. What's happening in the world today? Haiti. Everyone we look people are talking about Haiti. Well.. this seems to be a large scale version of what charity looks like here. Give the bare minimum. Show the requisite amount of concern and compassion. Then forget about the issue.
These countries just rot while we continue to party. I was shocked to hear that nearly all of the island is deforested. Too many people, too few resources. I recommend Thom Hartman's site www.thomhartman.com. He's been talking about how all the 'free' trade 'agreements' that the rich countries have been engaged in have continued to destroy any chance of prosperity in that country.

Ok. What else? Mark McGwire. Pathetic. The most destructive lies are the ones we tell ourselves. In the end it doesn't matter who's listening, when we are truly honest with ourselves we can move forward. I'm reminded of the time a teacher I respected told me that I had behaved like a wimp. I was furious; how dare she say that! Not true! She hurt me so deeply! I couldn't possibly be a wimp! I'm a big strong man, etc....

No. Not true. We all have strong moments and wimpy ones. A truly strong person can comfortably admit, 'hey, in that moment, yeah, I was a wimp'. McGwire had his chance to say 'yep, I did steroids to get an edge, I cheated, I had an unfair advantage, the record isn't authentic.' Instead, he invalidated the whole exercise by lying to us and himself. We all know when people are conning us.

Is that it for today? Such a stunning winter's day in Los Angeles! This is the weather everybody speaks of as the reason for living here. It certainly isn't the clean air.

I see possibilities today. Why are some days filled with expectancy while others are dormant, lifeless, grey? I suspect it's how we go to sleep the night before, what we tell ourselves. We all have our own unique narrative and that voice that speaks over the movie of our life can be whatever we want it to be. That's a simultaneously challenging and comforting thought.

SO LUCKY!

We hopefully are all born into this world with eager, loving parents waiting to clasp us to their chests and promise us many years of unconditional love and support. However, for many of us, the 'warm hearth' and loving family we dream of is not reflected back to us in reality. Some of us become bitter. Others are ready to sell off a part of themselves to feel as if they 'belong', that they are part of a group and loved. There are some of us who become hard-bitten, cynical, deciding to resent the world for not making us feel loved and appreciated.
The older I get, the more I return to a childlike appreciation of the simple things- this morning, the day was like a diamond, with a cool breeze, a cloudless blue sky and that rarity of rarities- at least in LA- a clear view to the horizon! Ok.. maybe that's an embellishment... but you get the sense of it. The day made me happy. Now, as I sit here in the evening, waiting for my beloved, my girlfriend to come home and eat pizza with me, I am so grateful to have found my chosen family, the person with whom I can create a warm, loving environment, the very place that is the bedrock of fulfillment, contentment and, dare I say, happiness. For although happiness by itself is not the human condition, I do believe we are built to be part of a greater sum, part of something loving and warm and supportive. Indeed, I think now that all of our difficulties come from a reaction to a separation from that.
So it is truly miraculous and goddamned fantastic to have found my loved one. Pizza on a sunday night never felt so good.

A Greater Awareness

This week has been enormously challenging and, as with all challenges, an incredible opportunity for personal/spiritual growth.

As I've faced certain situations which had triggered alot of fear for me, I found myself being aware of another part of me... a voice that was calm, strong, an aspect of myself that knew beyond any doubt it would all turn out for the best if I lived my truth and claimed my space.

You may know the saying, 'speak up even if your voice shakes'..

A profound understanding that I've come to is knowing that having an awareness that there's another way of seeing a situation is the first step to moving beyond the shackles of fear. As I stood up this week and spoke my truth and didn't give ground on what I knew was right and ethical for me, I realized that if we are aware of a fear, and if we take action despite fear of unknown consequences and change, we are moving beyond that fear. Growing. It may begin with the most delicate, quiet voice inside us saying,

'I want to feel good. Feeling good about myself and joyous in life has to be more important than my finances, my position or my reputation...'

This is not to say we shouldn't take care of our finances. Taking care of house and home is part of affirming and loving oneself. However, I know that when we affirm abundance by trusting we'll end up in the right place if we follow our sense of truth, we are provided with everything we need.

I know that those moments of self-affirmation and following my own sense of integrity make me feel good about myself and hugely optimistic about life. No sense of 'security' will ever provide
that.